Everyone Is Drunk and Nothing Hurts
by Andy and Papreeka
Summary: Samus always wanted to be a bartender. In retrospect, it may not have been the best idea.


"You," thought Ike, "are the loveliest thing I've ever seen in my entire friggin' life." He was looking at, of course, the loveliest thing he'd ever seen in his entire friggin' life, and he was going to tell her so—but he needed to find just the perfect way to say as much.

"IKE IS BEING A DIRTY HORN-DOG" an overly intoxicated Master Hand boomed over the intercom from wherever he took up residence in the Mansion when not beating on his precious Brawlers at Final Destination.

"Shuddafugup!" Ike slurred loudly to no direction in particular. "Yer gunna wreck my chances wid 'er!"

"SAMUS" Master Hand bellowed. "MORE BEER"

Samus stood by the bar counter, wearing her stoic expression as per usual. She didn't even know where the hell Master Hand was, nonetheless where she was supposed to put his beer. Or how he got any in the first place.

She rolled her eyes and poured a martini for a very drunk Zelda in front of her.

"Haaaaay Samussss," Zelda slurred. "Yigot perdy eyess." She leaned forward, squinting, and fell off her chair. Samus didn't move from her perch as Zelda reclaimed her seat, laughing so hard she could barely stand. "I'm th' … Th' des'gnatid driver here …. All responsible … I shouldn't be … Well, I s'pose one more martini wouldn't hurt no one …Y'know," she told her, "Yer a lot funner'n Link o'er there, blabbin 'bout some stupid budderflies'r somethin."

And blabbing about some stupid butterflies he was. While Pit listened intently, taking it in like one would survival techniques.

"Y'kno this bu'uerfly, dude? Is like … The cool'st bu'uerfly … Ever, y'kno? Look at 'is wings, dude …" Link said.

Pit nodded, despite there being no butterfly in the room. Link seemed to realize this suddenly as he frowned down at his hands, as if expecting one to spontaneously appear there and give him more to ramble about. He blinked confusedly around the room before settling on Zelda, who was still talking to Samus ("Yer breastsh 're shooo big, Sammyyyyy. I wish mine were like them, ha ha ha HA").

"Know what'd be soooper cool, dude?" Link said. "If … Like … Y'took Zelda, and a bu'uerfly, and like, put 'em togezzer," he made awkward movements with his hands to indicate the supposed proper procedure one would use to go about combining a princess with a butterfly (smashing them together). "and got, like, a Zeldafly."

Pit frowned and walked towards Samus. "I need seven shots of vodka, straight," he told her, slamming his fist down on the counter. Samus shrugged, and just gave him the bottle and an empty shot glass.

Pit made a face, poured a shot and downed it. He felt something prod his hair, and turned to see Peach pulling at a single lock of hair.

"Isso soft," she murmured, and then pulled Pit close to her chest in a hug. He tried to move his head to the side so her breasts wouldn't suffocate him, and Peach sobbed and held him tight. "I loooove y'Piiit," she cried. "I'm so sssooorry… Yer gunna be shooo alone …" She lowered her voice to a hoarse whisper. "_Forever._"

And then she stood up on the table and started pulling her clothes off.

Link finished his whole entire half a beer—earning a disappointed scowl from Samus for being such a cheap-ass drunk—and squinted as he studied Peach. He closed his eyes and waved her away. "S'not as goo'as Zelda," he told her even though she was halfway across the room and could not hear nor see him. He turned back to Pit. "Have I tol' yew a'but Zel yet? 'Cuz … 'Cuz she's sooo great."

Pit looked at the bottle, then to the shot glass, then to Link (who was still rambling about Zelda), then to Zelda, then back at Link (who was still rambling about Zelda), and proceeded to leave the glass and down the entire thing of vodka.

Meanwhile, Nana and Toon Link stood at the door to the main bar room, watching the spectacle.

"Dude, come on!" Nana prodded her friend. "You said you'd do it."

"I said I'd do it because Ness is really scary when he wants to be!" Toon Link replied.

Nana rolled her eyes. "Seriously?"

Toon Link shrugged. "Ganondorf's got nothing on a thirteen-year-old with a baseball bat …"

"Whatever, Toony. Here, I'll come with you." Nana got behind him and pushed Toon Link into the room.

"Don't call me Toony," he mumbled and stepped gingerly around the masses of drunken fighters, narrowly dodging the coins being thrown at Peach by Mario ("Ha ha, yesss, that's-a ma gurrrrl!").

He finally reached the bar and looked up at Samus towering above him. "I … Uh …" he faltered as she looked at him, immediately removing any confidence he might have salvaged when he walked into the room. He looked behind him at Nana for help, but she wasn't there. Panicking, he looked back at the entrance just in time to see Nana grinning and waving before fleeing back to the room where all the kids had gathered.

He mustered enough courage to talk and puffed out his chest. "I'd like a beer," he practically shouted.

Samus looked at him, with that goddamn expressionless expression, and he felt like her gaze was shrinking him into nothing. But right as he was sure she was going to kick him out or something, she reached back and handed him a giant case.

Toon Link kind of looked at the case, and then back and Samus, and then back at the case. Samus just shrugged, and Toon Link got the fuck out of there before she changed her mind and took it back.

Red was passed out drunk in his room, with Pikachu still in his Pokéball when Link got back to the other kids. They were prodding at Pikachu's Pokéball, slightly intoxicated from the last crate they'd had when Ness had dragged Lucas down at the very beginning of the giant drink-fest to get. Most of the beer that had been consumed went to Red, some to Ness some had been passed around to everyone but Lucas (who refused to touch it) before deciding it was nasty, but the majority was stealthily poured out the bedroom window onto the ground below by Lucas. He had been quite proud of himself as he emptied the last bottle onto Peach's rosebush, thinking maybe everyone could go to bed, but the next thing he knew Ness was drunkenly and rather pathetically demanding Toon Link go get some more, and all of a sudden everything was back at square one, but with less excited anticipation and more passed-out Pokemon trainers.

"Ya done good, Toony," Ness said, clapping Link on the back.

Lucas looked down at Red, wondering what to do with him. "Guys … Why did you go get more?"

Grinning lopsidedly, Ness opened the crate. "T'ave sum fuuun!"

"H-" Lucas began before he noticed Popo quietly succeeding at opening Pikachu's ball. Popo silently held the drowsy Pokemon out and smiled more wickedly than Lucas ever imagined he could. Lucas was horrified. "Guys, you can't really … You're not gonna … What would Red say?"

"Pfff, Red," Ness said as he cracked a bottle open and put it to his lips, "'as fainted. He can't say nothin' t'no one."

Nana looked down at the trainer thoughtfully. "We can't really leave him like this, though."

Lucas looked at Nana thankfully before she continued and he immediately became much less impressed.

"We could, like, put him in the closet!" She decided. "'Cause then he's all out of the way and stuff, then."

"That's a terrible idea!" Lucas said.

"Shut up and stop bein' gay, Lulu," Ness said. "Th'closet's perfect … 'Cuz … 'Cuz then 'e's in the closet … Ha ha ha …" He looked at everyone and waited for laughter. When he got none, he frowned. "Closet. 'Cuz he's gaaay."

Nothing.

"Laugh, dammit!"

Everyone forced laughter and helped Ness drag Red into the closet.

Pikachu looked nervously around before sparking up his cheeks. Ness let out a yelp and leapt backwards, and Nana rolled her eyes and shoved him out of the way.

"Have this!" she told Pikachu, holding a bottle of beer to the electric mouse's face.

"Pikaa," Pikachu grumbled, eyeing the children suspiciously, and took a sip. His face lit up and he drank some more.

Soon he was just as drunk as the senior smashers.

As Ness and Nana laughed their heads off, Toon Link kept getting electrocuted by Pikachu, and Lucas moped in a corner. And Red slept soundly in the closet.

"Pikaaaaahpi!" Pikachu mumbled and curled up on Red's bed. Hard as the kids tried, they could not wake him up, and they sat on the ground, dejected. Except Lucas, who was about to suggest they all go to bed for the night, incredibly pumped at the idea of safe, legal activities.

Then Ness ruined his day. Again. Ness emerged from the closet, grinning about holding five more Pokeballs. He handed them to Popo to open and grabbed Lucas' wrist.

"C'mon, Lulu, y'thought we were done? Less go get some more …"

The worst part, Lucas realized as he was dragged through the masses of overly intoxicated smashers, was that he once looked up to many of these people. Especially Peach, oh Peach. If you really had to take your shirt off, you could at least have the courtesy to put it back on before you went and snuggled Olimar into your chest to comfort him on the loss of every Pikmin he'd pulled out since entering the brawl.

Zelda interrupted Peach's temporary dead-Pikmin sobfest by tapping her on the shoulder. Peach turned around and Zelda leaned in close.

"Peachy-kins, y'know, yer mouf … Is real purdy. Purdier den Sammy's eyes, even …" Zelda grinned and twirled Peach's hair with her finger as Olimar dropped to the ground and stumbled away. "So, so purdy … N'yer hair … Is so yellow … N'd yer breastsh're like as big as Sammy's … I wish … Mine were … Hnnngh, hahaha …"

Over at the end of the bar, Captain Falcon leaned back on his barstool to try and get a better look at the two princesses. "Dudes …" he said, "check it OUT, finally some lesbian action 'round here!" When Marth and Luigi remained hunched over their drinks, mumbling dejectedly to each other, the Captain shrugged and grinned across the room at Zelda and Peach.

"I never get APPRECIATED, y'know?" Marth wailed suddenly, startling Captain Falcon and causing him to fall off his precarious lesbian-watching perch.

Luigi turned his head from where it was resting on the bar countertop and let out a sharp, short laugh. "Y'think you never get appriciat'd? Girly man, lemme tell-a you a schtory. There's this guy, Luigi. Thass me, by-a the way. N'his brudder is sho-a successful and gets-a de ass all-a the time and always schaves the freakin' day all-a the time! Jus' 'cuz Weegee … Luigi … 'E never has-a any courage t'start off wid … 'Nd 'is girl, she-a doesn't turn into a stripper like-a Mario's …"

Marth took another swig. "Bullshit. You have so many fans. So many."

Their argument lasted a painfully long and pointless time, so … Lesbians!

Peach looked at Zelda awkwardly as the other princess leaned in close.

"We should totally, like, _make out_, or something," Zelda said.

"Yes," said Peach.

And they totally would have, but drunk Zelda is an asshole who thrives off denial and cockblocking. So instead of fulfilling Captain Falcon's fantasies, she yelled "NOPE!" and ran off giggling madly. Peach blinked confusedly at the now-Zelda-less area in front of her before shrugging and returning to trying to remember where her dress went.

On her way back to Samus to get another martini, Zelda stumbled past Ike, still making dreamy-eyes at his new true love. Finally, he felt, it was time to make his move. Grinning lopsidedly and smoothing his hair back, he approached her, preparing the perfect line:

"Do you have a gag reflex?"

Meanwhile, in the darkest corner of the room at the darkest table sat the mansion's resident Legion of Evil, discussing plans.

"Okay, see, I think this'll work," Ganondorf said as Wario stole a swig of Bowser's beer. "I spread darkness all over the land, then go to Hyrule Castle, and kidnap the princess."

Bowser slammed his fist on the table and roared. Ganondorf frowned until Wario looked up from picking his nose and said, "That means 'e likes it."

Bowser nodded as he pulled out a pen and awkwardly started drawing a plan on the tablecloth that started with him kidnapping a princess and ended with an inexplicably large amount of dead Italians.

"Perfect," Ganondorf said, grabbing the pen and doodling in a bloodied Link at Bowser's feet as he stole a glance across the room where the evil plan cockblocker was sitting.

Or at least struggling to remain sitting, fighting to keep balance on the barstool while his own intoxication and the weight of a completely hysterical angel threatened to send him crashing (hilariously) to the ground. Pit, as Link had learned quickly, loses complete emotional control after the equivalent of ten shots, and despite spending the last half hour with his face buried in equal amounts in his hands, the counter top and Link's chest, he had somehow managed to consume much, much more than that.

"_You like her better than me! She's pretty and perfect and so smart and …_No, don't look at me like that, it's totally true. Admit it! Wait no come back here KISS ME LINK"

His movements unbalanced both of them, and Pit's sudden movement combined with Link's already precarious perch sent them both to the ground. Pit fell a couple of meters away, and suddenly he was sobbing and hysterical once again. "I'm sorry … God, I didn't mean … I'm sorry, I'm sorry …"

And that exact moment was precisely when Samus decided she'd had enough. Bartending had lost all of its oh-so-attractive intrigue, and not once that evening had someone emotionally confided in her while she stoically and silently wiped a glass and nodded. Everyone just ended up proving themselves to be pathetic drunks, and she felt betrayed. Even Snake was huddled up under a table, mumbling nervously into a hallucinated microphone about how they were going to get him. Samus didn't know who "they" were, but judging from Snake's nervous glances out the window at the alarmingly large Pikmin congregation gathered just outside, she had a pretty good idea.

Kicking everyone out didn't take long-nothing convinces quite like a lady with a gun. Samus hoped everyone made it to a room okay. Preferably their own; but beggars can't be choosers, and there comes a time at the end of every bartender's journey where they must let their drunken children go free and can only hope the best, non-causal-sex-filled life for them.

She re-entered the room to continue cleaning the beer and tears and straight liquor off the counter before realizing there was one last person left, and she couldn't help but double-take the scene she saw.

"Ike, what the FUCK are you doing to that plant?"

* * *

><p>Keep your eyes out for the exciting sequel, No One is Drunk and Everything Hurts, where everyone reels in the consequences of the actions they take when hilariously hammered.<p>

Coming soon!

(DISCLAIMER: Will never actually be written.)


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